Bottomless Balls

Things I Hate: Laurence Maroney Bashers

2009-09-22T10:12:00.001-07:00

Laurence Maroney Bashers

From Mike Reiss's mailbag at his new home:

Q: Hi Mike, we meet again. I felt Maroney was totally useless. When the passing game wasn't working, he certainly didn't contribute in the running game. Fred Taylor might be older but he looked way better. There are many areas of the game that need to be corrected in all phases from that game, but my question to you is this. Do you think Maroney will still be on this team if he continues to play like this? Also, do you think they will try to get another linebacker like Derrick Brooks? -- John M (Hampstead, NH)

Am I watching the same game as these people? I think John M and those alike have this prophecy going that Maroney is a bust. He was a first-round pick so he should be like Adrian Peterson! His broken shoulder last year shows that he's soft!

For the first two games, I've seen Maroney hit the hole hard and understand the pass protection. (Bart Scott came on a delayed blitz Sunday. I don't want to hear it.)

Maroney's dropped pass Sunday was the only missed play or assignment I've seen him make this year. He seems to be trusted by the coaches, too, as he is frequently motioning to the flanker spot out of the backfield and has been on the field a lot. He's been targeted by Brady a handful of times already, also.

Suck it, John M.

Does She Know That Roy Williams Is Not On The Team Anymore?

2009-09-22T09:31:00.001-07:00

Probably not.

The aftermath is good, too. "Hey, I'm going to go see if they need a ride home."

He said, "I love you."

2009-09-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

After another late night of work, I parked myself on my bed and watched the Nadal/Monfiles match. After a very entertaining match where Monfils talked to himself after every point in the first set, the craziest man of them all was not Gael. It was a loon who rushed the court as Rafa was changing out of his shirt and into his warmups (or cooldowns?). ESPN showed a replay of the guy leaping over the stands and kind of meandering. He was going to take a photo of Rafa (Did he really need to trespass for a picture?) and instead opting for a hug/kiss of the barechested Nadal.

The best part of the replay was watching the woman (who was past her spry years) and a man--who my 11 year old brother could run circles around all day with ease--(he was overweight) react like tortoises.

You're telling me that in a recession where nearly 10% of the potential workforce is jobless, you couldn't hire some beefier people? And you couldn't opt to place them by the players?

To his credit, Nadal acted coolly. He actually wanted to talk to the guy it appeared. The crack security ushered off the passive trespasser, though.

"For me, it wasn't a problem. The guy was really nice," Nadal said. "He said, 'I love you,' and he kissed me.

Somewhere Monica Seles didn't find this funny.

Tom Brady Doesn't Like Cowards

2009-06-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Murder-suicides piss me off.

David Brockdorff was passionate about the New England Patriots. He wore the gear of his favorite football team, and even converted some of his friends.

And thanks to some friends who unveiled a memorial Monday night at Urbana Middle School, that's the way David will be remembered.

A framed Patriots jersey, bearing the name Brockdorff and the number 12 -- for quarterback Tom Brady, David's favorite player -- now graces a display case in the school's front lobby. A ceremony was held Monday night, before the school's end-of-year awards assembly, to unveil the jersey. David would have been in eighth grade this year.

Students at Urbana Middle formed the group Forever in Our Heart (4evr in r <3 in text-speak) to remember their friend, killed Nov. 22, 2007, along with his siblings, Megan and Brandon, and mother, Gail Pumphrey, by his father, David. After slaying the entire family on Thanksgiving Day, the elder David Brockdorff then killed himself.

The irrational act irrationally, I suppose. But why do you have to kill your kin, especially your children? I know this recession has stoked a spike in such tragedies, but jeesh...

Sad story. Kudos to these kids for doing their best to grieve and stay positive.

Who Is Vijay's Buddy?

2009-06-22T10:34:00.001-07:00

These athletes and their bodybuilder friends...

(From Saturday's range warmups)

What Am I Supposed To Tell My Kids, Mr. Howard Bryant?

2009-06-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

Howard Bryant: I hate you. I hate your earring in your ESPN profile picture, and I hate your opinions.

Please stop talking about steroids. No one cares except for you, as your brain can only muster false outrage stories instead of intriguing ideas.

Keep that in mind as you consider the New York Times report that Sammy Sosa is one of the 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in baseball's 2003 survey testing because the news should not be met with an indifferent yawn, as if Sosa is just another in a long line of Hall of Fame-caliber talent biting the dust: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and now Sosa, all in the first half of the 2009 season alone. Instead, this news should be greeted with the kind of outrage reserved for the worst breaches of trust because you, Mr. and Mrs. Fan, have been taken for a very special kind of ride.

Yeah, I did fucking yawn at the news, HB. Why? Because who cares? If you actually put some thought into it instead of standing on a pulpit and condemning these sluggers as frauds, you would realize that in the '90s we also had relievers and starters throwing 95 when they threw 90 the year before. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two wrongs definitely cancel each other out in this equation.

It was a different era. It was an unnatural era, and a chemically enhanced, cheating one, but I don't give a shit.

The only reason why people care is because of the numbers. Sixty one. Sixty five. Sixty six. Seventy. I don't remember any of that anymore, except when ESPN forces down montages of the homer binges. I remember the '97 Marlins-Indians World Series. I remember Luis Gonzalez and his 'roided* up forearms fisting one to center. Would a pre-steroid Gonzalez* be able to muscle it to center? Probably not. Nor do I care. It was a great ending to a great series in a sad year for baseball and the country.

And now all I care about is curing Daisuke's woes, seeing if Clay Buchholz will be the stud I think he is, and whether or not my fantasy team can continue to ride Tulowitzki's hot streak.

Let me enjoy this era, the late '00s. Keep your didactic, self-serving columns to yourself or share them amongst your sportswriter brethren and scream about Sosa, McGwire, and Bonds together in your own time.

Bud Selig Is Responsible

2009-06-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

With John Smoltz’s return on the Red Sox horizon, which scenario best solves the pitching overstock problem?

Reassign Daisuke Matsuzaka to the bullpen, minors, or disabled list.
76.3%
Make a trade, preferably involving Brad Penny.
15.5%
Go to a six-man rotation.
4.3%
Put Smoltz in the bullpen.
2.5%
Move Tim Wakefield to the bullpen.
1.5%
Total votes: 5636

Tony Masserotti outlines in his recent blog post Daisuke's troubles and the Red Sox's starting pitching options. Boston.com has an accompanying poll asking its readers which option they prefer.

However, Mazz fails to address the biggest reason for his demise: The World fucking Baseball Classic.

Do you remember who won?

Neither do I.

Yeah, the reality is that Dice looks lost out there; WBC or no WBC he doesn't have it right now. Which is a shame, because he looked great out there when he was donning a Japan jersey.

Maybe the bullpen would help, though his Herculean warmup routine for his starts would seem to break his habit. And we all know how creatures of habit baseball players are. The minors won't happen because he has a provision in his contract, and the DL is out unless you want to Kliff Kingsbury it.

All I know is I want some Clay Buchholz and NESN shots of his fiancee.